A lot of people have heard of the five love languages — an idea popularized by author Gary Chapman that people have preferred ways for giving and receiving love, and knowing what your love language is helps you communicate better. For example, do you love to receive gifts, or do you feel more loved when someone performs an act of service for you?

But the concept of healing childhood wounds was brand new to me when I heard about it. It invited me to think: How do you wish you’d been loved as a child? No matter how hard parents try, they can’t meet their child’s every need perfectly. It was a total lightbulb moment when my partner and I discussed the ways we wish we had been loved as kids and realized we could give that to each other as adults.

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